still learning...

new blog

2007-12-30T02:00:00.000-08:00

you can see my real blog at jessicafairchild.com/blog

public speaking speeh. last semester.

2007-02-14T01:33:00.000-08:00

his was my speech for my public speaking class toay...

It has been said that a picture is worth a thousand words.
I am a photographer, and I love taking the type of pictures that are actually worth a thousand words. I especially enjoy taking pictures of people because I like to capture their emotion in a tangible way. One of my life goals is to be a photojournalist in Africa.

When i was young a close friend who would travel to Africa every summer and when she came back she would tell me amazing stories of their time there.
She would tell me stories of very young children who live on their own because their parents had died of aids,
and families who would live on less than a pound of rice for an entire week.
My heart became heavy and i started to really develop a love for the people she would tell me about.

then In high school a friend of mine told me about invisible children.
Invisible children is a name given to thousands of children in Uganda who cannot sleep inside their own homes at night and
instead have to walk 5 miles everyngiht into the city to avoid being kidnapped in their own homes. They are forced to walk because there is an horrible ruler who wants to overthrow the government my using an army of young children.
He is creating an army of child soldiers, by brainwash and extreme fear.

The craziest thing about this to me is that it has been going on for years but hardly anyone knows abot it. The headlines of our news constantly read about our
war with iraq and what the latest holywould star has gotten into trouble doing, and its basically the same information over and over again.
But they hardly ever talk about the hardships in africa

If such an event were to be happening in America everyone would know about it and something would be done, but because it is going on over seas little attention is given to it. If this was your child wouldnt you want something to be done?

When I realized that the lack of knowledge is killing innocent children I decided that i want to become a photojournalist.

I want to capture the crap that is going on thee and bring the images back here.
I want to bring back the message of the people who live there.

They are innocent and have so much to offer us, they have so many unbelievable stories, because many of them have literally lived through hell.

So I want to be able to capture the story and speak for those who seem to have no voice in society.
I want to bring back the images here to America and show them to people in their living rooms, to bring the reality of Africa into the hearts of Americans. I want to reveal the darkness by bringing their stories into the light.

Not everyone has the resources to go to a foreign country, so I want to

old post. trensfered from myspae blog

2007-02-14T01:32:00.000-08:00

m not exactly sure why. i could be the fact that it started out at midnight with an amaizng 3 hour long conversation with a guy friend of mine that really made me think about my life and think about my motives, priorities and perspectives.
cuz i rememebr going to bed asking and desiring to be changed, and no longer have the screwedup mindset that i have had for so long on everything from boys to friends to school.
so i woke up this morning feeling wonderful, my sickness/cold was completely gone, then all throught the day wonderufl things happened. i met some wonderful people, they served itallian pasta at lunch mmm, i started to actually see my crush as a brother rather than someone to date int he future-thats the hardest one for me, but its the one that blesses me the most when i actually love them as Jesus would love them. so ya, i also became choir president today and a good friend of mine visited me up here.
but regardless of what actually happened, i know that i started out the day right, (well as right as i can, since i am a sinner saved by grace) but i asked for a perspective unliek one i had had befoe, i wanted to change, i wanted to have my mindset changed to that which would glorify and benifit those around me rather than be glorifying to myself.

its really hard for me, but i want to have a selfless motivated lifestyle.

i want to serve others first and watch as everything else falls into palce.

it amazes me how jsut choosing to try to get my self on the right track can make a world of a difference. its not easy, but i am going to try agian tomorrow.
and i know i cannot do it alone.

new york

2007-01-19T01:34:00.000-08:00

earlier this semester i ha my heart set on doing a semester abroad in new york.
then i lost sight of that dream....

today that changed.
i was listening to a song that talked about taking the train to brooklyn heights.
little did i know thats exactly where i would be staying if i did the program.

so basically its an art school in new york city.
beautiful view of manhattan sky-line,
i would intern as photographer, possibly for a magazine
and i would be in new york.

so today i decided im gonna do it.
dont let me change my mind again ok.

i figure i have amaizng opportunities ahead of me.
why not use them...

2006-12-14T02:14:00.000-08:00

today i had to write an essay for new testament looking back at the last semester and assesing whether i was a better or worse disciple of Jesus since September 1st.

i had a lot of trouble deciding.

first wanting to say worse, but then wanting to say better.

but then i realized i am neither better nor worse.

my whole life i have been involved in religion. pure religion.
going to church every sunday, reading my bible as a chore every night before going to bed, becoming as involved as possible in church related activities in order to be seen to the world as a "good christian."
but i have come to realize that such religion has got in the way.
its not about what i can do, or what people see me do.

it is simple.

confess with your mouth, believe in your heart and you will be saved.

pick up your cross and follow.

it is so simple. why has america made it look so bad and so difficult.

actually, who am i kidding, its not america, its me.
i have made it difficult.

so i realized that this semester i have not become a better or worse disciple, i have instead learned what it means to be a disciple. and i think i want to start here, start now, following, simply following.

i know i dont know everything about the bible, or about Jesus, and that is okay.
i know i fall short every day, and that is fine.

i am still learning.
i am not perfect.
i am human.

but i now want to start a true journey to follow the man who revolutionalized the world.
i want to learn more, not to recieve praise for my knowledge, but to understand why and how a man could love without boundries. and to understand why in the world he would want to get to know me.

it may take the rest of my life, but i think that is the point.
its a journey and a great adventure that takes a lifetime.
but it starts here and now.

jessicafairchild.com

2006-12-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

i have a new website
it is still under contruction.
and it doesnt look very cool yet.

but i have a few posts and a few pictures.
so go check it out.

jessicafairchild.com

its raining again...

2006-11-27T00:12:00.000-08:00

and you know what that means.
the rain make me think. but it also makes me happy.
i know its lame to have my moo d affected by the weather, but it is.
anyway.
i met this cool gut at disneyland today-turns out we ahve mutual friends, but he said soemthing that really hit me.
he said that we are meeryly just participents.
he was speaking of disneyland, how 60,000 people come in every day and he simply just participates by helping out in one area of the park.
but i realized, i meerly just participate in life.
i dont want to philosophy it fr more than it is worth, but think about it.
some of us play huge roles while others are behing the scenes, but when it all comes down, we are simply participating in the greater picture.

lack of joy

2006-11-20T01:10:00.000-08:00

i am unhappy here. at westmont i honestly in this moment do not want to be here. i had a great weekend and got to see some old friends whom i always enjoy seeing, but when i came back ehre it made me almsot hate it here.
then my best friend from gordon came to visit me today, and for some reason it put me in a bad mood.

i love her and it was amazing to see her, but in hearing her stories of traveling far away from home and having real college experience i think i became jealous.

i dont know what to do.
i dont really like the poeple i live with, and i wish i lived in another section. part of it might be that i dont feel like those poeple closest around me are people i can easily get aong with, cuz we are so different. but thinking about it even now makes me full of emotion, sadness, anger, and well i guess its jsut jealousy and bitternesss. but as to why i have no idea. i am officially in a bad mood, and i have nothing else to blame except my surroundings. and that seems to be working, except that there is no solution.

my close friend talked about how much her life has changed since she went back east. especially her spiritual life.
it makes me wonder why i have not grown much closer while being here. why did i stop making an effort to grow. why?
of course i can blame it on lack of accountability, but honestly, what is holding me back.

maybe i am just in a passionate and emotional mood right now. maybe i just need a good cry or something. but i wish there was a sure and easy answer to my "happiness" but i dont think there is. i dont know what i want, and i dont know where to find it. so how can i start searching for something i dont know what it is. so i guess ill start searching by crawling in bed and ust pondering, maybe sheddibg a few tears, or maybe just thinking in dead silence.
i dont know what can make me happy. but i know i dont have it now. i dont have the true joy i used to have, i have to fake it now.

and im asking myself why....

from sanfran and back home

2006-11-13T01:48:00.000-08:00

Spent the weekend in San Francisco.
It was amazing.
Started off with a breathtaking sunset, it rained the next day for a few hours, then another beautiful sunset after a fun day of exploring the beautiful city of San Francisco.
As im driving home im just doing some thinking about my life.
I really love my family, and I sometimes forget that when I am away from them cuz I think I am so grown up that I can survive without them, but then I hang out with them again, and I remember that I do need them. I also have these crazy ideas of living on the east coast for the rest of my life,…. Which is still a goal of mine, but I wonder if I can really leave the beautiful west coast, or if I would miss it too much if I moved far away.
I guess i should try it out, but while it excited me, it also scares me to leave my friends and family and start all over so far away.

Many times this weekend I was asked what I am majoring in and what I want to do with my life. I responded by saying “im majoring in communication studies, and minoring in art. and I want to be a photojournalist.”
But im not sure if that entirely true. I KNOW that i do NOT want an office job, it would drive me crazy. I know that I want a career that I can travel the world with, but im not sure where and not sure what.
Photojournalist in Africa would be amazing.
Truly amazing.
But I honestly have no idea if that will work out.
And I think I am ok with that.
The only thing that scares me is not having an answer for other people.
I am find with knowing myself that I have no idea what I am going to do after college, but I am afraid of telling other people that. Most people wouldn’t understand.
The cool thing is that i do not have to know, but I sometimes feel pressure to at least make something up to satisfy other people.
Maybe e one day it will all just click and fall into place, but in case not… ill just wait.
Enjoy the life I have been given, and be thankful for the blessing I have, and the opportunity I have to just enjoy school for 4 years while I try to figure out who I am and who I will become. I guess its kind of nice. It gives me a break from the real world and gives me a chance to change into the woman I am meant to become.
I should be thankful. And I am. I am thankful.
I realize that few have been blessed as I have.
So I am grateful for the chance I have to figure out my life.
And I am grateful for the beautiful sunsets, and amazing different cultures under the city lights. So I guess sometimes I really wish I had my life all figured out, but as time goes on I realize it is ok not to. And for that I am thankful.

chapel today

2006-10-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

i think chapel today was meant for me.
i normaly dont like chapel very much, but today i knew i should pay attention.
the words of the speaker that got to me were
"you are here for such a time as this. your job is to figure out why."
as i said before lately i ahve been feeling like i want to escape santa barbara, but this reminded me that i am here for a reason, and while i know that is the lame and cheesy christian answer, its kind of true. i am here for a reason and i am not leaving any time soon. so since i am here i need to figure out why. what is my purpose here. obviously i cannot answer that question right away, and might not ever be able to. but all i have is where i am right now.
so to you, since i have absolutely no idea who is reading this, i ask you to think about where you are right now, and why.
whether it is bt your own accord or not, you are where you are for a reason.
your job is to figure out what that reason is.
and to live with
no reserve.
no retreat.
no regret.

get me outa here.

2006-10-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

i dont want to be here right now.
i want to be in new york.
sometimes i really feel like i choose to go to college too close to home.
i feel like i want to break out.
explore the world.
and get out of here.
but....
i have no car here, and i have to at least finish this semester.
maybe ill go to hollywood this weekend.
anyone wanna meet me there?
i just need to get out of santa barbara.
ill tell you more why later, when i figure it out.

i want a broken heart

2006-10-14T02:44:00.001-07:00

but i am scared.
i am afraid of what that truly means.

tonight i was looking at pictures that a friend of mine took of the orphans in uganda last summer and i broke down crying when i saw them. i could not handle the reality of the lives of these children. it made my whole body hurt and i could not help from crying. she invited me to join her this summer or 2 months and stay with a family whos children are the invisible children and travel into the city every night. she told me stories after stories of what these children face every day, and while i had heard the stories a million times they hit me hard for the first time. my heart started to break for them. and it scares me. it scares me to be so voulnerrable and so easily moved. i so often say that i want a broken heart but now that i am truly experiencing it... well... i dont know how i feel.
i guess i feel on a more deep level than ever before. even as i think about it now i start crying.
but i want to put my tears into action.
this is only the beginning.
i want ot be broken even more.
i want to weep, on my knees.
and cry out.
be the voice for them, when no one would listen.
i am afraid to share my heart with people sometimes because it makes me feel like a good person and boosts my pride.
so i need to be humbled and broken down.
i want to go to africa, and i want to change the world,
but it has to start with changing myself.
changing my heart.
so here i go.
this is my starting point.
on my knees.
desiring to be broken.
truly broken.
i come.

2006-05-22T10:36:00.000-07:00

i love rainy days.
its actually not raining any more, but it was this morning. and last night we had a flood advisory, it made me really happy. i love the rain.

on a different note:
sometimes people drive me crazy. i love people, and i would for sure consider myself a people person. but somnetimes they drive me crazy.
i had a bunch of mad and crazy and rude cumtomers this weekend, and no matter how sweet i acted and tried to love on em back, they still basically barked down my throat. i spent most of my time afterwards just laughing at the ludicrisness of how they acted, and thier attitudes. but i realized that someitmes people really make me go insane.
it really is a miracle to me that someone could actually love the whole world. i know ive said it before, but it honestly amazes me that God could actually truly love everyone in this world.
have you ever thougth about that?
how many times in your day do you judge someone, or hate someone of not give someone the time of day just because you feel like it. it as if we choose to love people depending upon our mood. yet we are called to love without ceasing, without bounds, without condition.
i dont. i need help. its hard, it defies the odds, it defies human nature.
but im trying.
admitting it is the first step, next cxomes actually trying.
so here i go.
learing what it is to love.
truly love.

i want to make history.

2006-05-18T00:33:00.000-07:00

i want to make history.
not to make a name for myslef
but to change the world little by little
i want to:
listen to you pour out your heart
inspire people to dream
and help make their dreams come true
smile just to watch you smile back
and change someones life

prom

2006-05-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

was amazing!
my date was perfect! and such a gentlemen!
i had soo much fun.
danced so much, and was covered in mine and a million other peoples sweat fromt he dance floor. and i almost won the car at after prom, but i wasnt there when they called my name for the second drawing. ugg! oh well. i dont need a car anyway.
but ya. it was one of the best nights of my life. i will never forget it.
and if i could sum it up in 3 words it would be
"we be trippin"

2006-05-13T01:29:00.000-07:00

just got back from an amazing concert.
shawn mcdonald is uh-mazing!
i normally would just think it to be a typical contemporary chirstian concert, and more of a show of all the different variations they can do of the same worship song..but...no
shawn was fantastic. im still impressed and amazed by how awesome he is live.
he literally captured my heart. well not really..but kind of.
anyway.
i met some really cool people there, and i am so stoked about the possibility of invisible children doing a screening at our school. yes!

so ive been preparing for prom all this week. getting last minute things, trying to gather last minute thoughts. i am extremely excited. i definitely plan on doing "the shopping cart" out on the dance floor. oh yes, me and alex williams are going to thr grocery store. haha
ok nevermind. it seemed a lot funnier in my head.

ive actually been learning a lot this week. i was having a hard time giving stuff up to Jesus. and i finally gave them all up this week. it has to be one of the most freeing feelings ever. it wasi mainly just my proirities and my desire ot be incharge that i needed to give up. i love being in charge of my life, i guess its just this natural leadership instinct that i have, but it easily gets in the way. so surrendering it all, is something i have been working on all my life,a nd will continue to work on all my life, but the best part is that im not finished yet. God is not done with me, and i am still learning. i learn more and more every day. im not perfect. but i am trying. and thats what matters right?

priorities

2006-05-08T23:30:00.000-07:00

timing.
i have just spent 5 hours on my computer. yet i plan on only spending 5 minutes doing my devotions with jesus.
its pathetic.
i waste my time, and i forget to leave room for what is most important. and while i want to grow and read my bible more, i also dont really have a desire to. its strange. i want to have an actual real relationship with the God of the universe, yet i dont really want to make time for Him.
im torn.
i want it, yet i dont want to sacrifice everything else.
and of course i get stuck with this feeling that because i call myself a 'christian' i HAVE to "read my bible and pray every single day." while that may work for some people it doesnt exactly work for me. cuz it too easily turns into a burden instead of a blessing, cuz i view it as something i HAVE to do instead of something that i WANT to do. but i pretend that i am the perfect little christian just so that people dont realize what a dirty rotten sinner i actually am. and luckily my life is not all about proving to other people how much of a "good christian i am". but oh how often i forget that.
i think i honestly just need to surrender.
all of it.
i should probably start with my pride...
i know ive said it a million times before, but seriously, i gotta give it all up and hand it over. and only then will i begin to understand what my life is all about and who im living it for. cuz im trying to make sense of it all, trying to understand and i just keep confusing myself.
i wish i could jsut see the whole big picture, then i know it would always make sense.
i have to leave you with this quote from an awesome song:

"If i could see all the things you have for me tonight.
Then i would read every singe word that you would write.
But its not for me to know every inch of your mind,
so patiently I'll wait until you show youre heart to mine."

2006-05-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i have writen.
i guess ill just make this an update...
so life is extremely busy. between work, school, jazz choir, photography, and prom, i have been overwhelmed. but something i have really realized recently is timing.
ive always believed that theres a time and place for everything, and that everything happen for a reason, in its perfect time. but i often forget that i believe that.
i find it so easy to get caught up in the crazy business, that i loose sight of the fact that someone else has the plan for my life. its hard for me to surrender to that fact, and not try to do everything on my own. i have this preconsived idea that i am able to do 10 things at once and expect that they will turn out perfectly. but i quickly realize that i CANNOT do anything on my own. I need to surrender. To humble myswelf and realize that i need help. I need someone else to take care of it all.

i read this today on someones shirt.

2006-04-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

it hit me hard.
and left me speechless...
"My heart is heavy and my burdens are like a consuming fire. The tears are never ceasing. I never can find rest. Contentment flees me. I beat my chest and cry out to God but I feel empty. Conviction sets in and I begin to run. My faÃ§ade is brilliant. Teach me how to love. Teach me compassion. I am ready to die. I am ready to be released from this prison. I am so tired Lord. Your grace is sufficient. Only you can truly see into me. Only you can truly save me."

selfishness

2006-04-21T04:15:00.000-07:00

is what keeps us from helping other people.
especially those who really need it.

my God, what a world you love

2006-04-20T00:02:00.000-07:00

have you ever thought about what a miracle it is that someone could actually love this world and everyone in it.
although its become such a cliche to say "God loves the world", have you even really pondered what it means. seriously think about that. Jesus loves everyone in this world. everyone.
i get pissed off when someone cutts me off on the freeway and i yell at them for it and i suddenly develop this bitter temporary hatred toward them. but just imagine how Jesus actually and genuinally loves them.
its facinates me.
and it blows my mind.
its a miracle.

i want to love like that.
i want to love like Jesus.
love without boundries, without grudges, without bias.
just love.

wonderful

2006-04-19T00:11:00.000-07:00

i had such crappy things happen to me today...but at the end of the day, when it was all said and done i must admit, i had a great day.

im trying not to let any one thing influence my day,
but i laughed so hard tonight that i could not breathe.
yet whats so strange to me is that hours earlier i had cried so hard at the beach that i could not breathe as well.

emotions.
they drive us, can easily rule our heart and our decisions, and control us.
they are extreme and wonderful all at the some time.
i dont know where im going with this.
but basically, i love how i can have some crazy bad poop happen in my day, and then right before i go to bed my friends make it all better by cheerin me up.
that sounds so superficial, but i think it makes sense.

2006-04-17T23:20:00.000-07:00

why is it that i so often have to learn my lessons the hard way.
especially when it comes to submission.
i really enjoy makeing my own plans and figuring out an agenda for myself, regardless of what someone else might have planned. yet i have learned time and time againt that its only once i let go of a desire then it will all fall into place. i know i am generalizing things and not being very specific-but im sure you get my point. if not let me know please :D
i just ofr some reason really struggle with giving up my desires and dreams and assperations and asking Jesus what he wants for my life. its really hard for me cuz i think i can do a pretty good job planning out the rest of my life, but i realize it has to be what He wants, cuz thats all thats gonna prevail in the end.
if youre the prayin type i could use some praying. not just for this, but for many othet things as well.
im just in need of Jesus.
i guess i tecnically already "have" Him, but cant seem to find or make time for Him. it drives me crazy, yet im not really doing anything about it.
i think of Jesus as a real person-or at least im trying to, and it gives me a passion to want to hang out with him and go out to coffee with Him. but i just keep not makeing time pr effort. i keep filling up my time with useless things.
so im going to end this and spend some time with my friend.

-jess

2006-04-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

i find it facinating how one thing can happen in our day and we suddenly classify it as a "good" or "bad" day. why is it so simple?
like today i had a lot of good things happen (watched a halarious movie in english, got a prom date, went out to dinner at my favorite italian resturant with my best friends ever) and i consider it to be a good day. but what if something bad happened. would it all of the sudden become a "bad" day. i just dont understand it. its so superficial and black and white.
but i guess so many things in life are.

i have a prom date.

2006-04-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

its really an amazing story. it involves a bright green colored speedo, gold glitter, and paint pens and well...brenden fereday. which automatically means it halarious!
just ask me, and ill tell ya the whole story, cuz its amazing!

another day

2006-04-13T01:59:00.000-07:00

i have so much i want to say, yet i cannot seem to start to talk about anything at all.

i have so much on my mind, yet when i try to stop and pin point one thing in particular, my mind just freezes. i cant describe how i feel right now.
maybe inadequate?

do you realize the grace that we have been given?
....
i am so undeserving. i deserve nothing more than eternity in hell.
i am really not a great person at times. i struggle with exagurating, gossiping, judging...the list goes on and on...
yet i have been forgiven, and given grace! its quite ridiculous!
think about it!
who do you know who would love you enough to take the blame for EVERYTHING you have ever done wrong so that you could be seen as blameless.
think...anyone?

its just unfathomable!
incomprehensible.

im speechless.

blows my mind

2006-04-10T00:21:00.000-07:00

from an amazing book thats on my list to read...

"As they contemplate the order of the earth, the solar system, and the stellar universe, scientists and scholars have concluded that the Master Planner left nothing to chance.The slant of the earth, for example, tilted at an angle of 23 degrees, produces our seasons. Scientists tell us that if the earth had not been tilted exactly as it is, vapors from the oceans would move both north and south, piling up continents of ice.
If the moon were only 50,000 miles away from earth instead of 200,000, the tides might be so enormous that all continents would be submerged in water-- even the mountains would be eroded.If the crust of the earth had been only ten feet thicker, there would be no oxygen, and without it all animal life would die.Had the oceans been a few feet deeper, carbon dioxide and oxygen would have been absorbed and no vegetable life would exist.
The earth's weight has been estimated at six sextillion tons (that's a six with 21 zeros). Yet it is perfectly balanced and turns easily on its axis. It revolves daily at the rate of more than 1,000 miles per hour or 25,000 miles each day. This adds up to nine million miles a year. Considering the tremendous weight of six sextillion tons rolling at this fantastic speed around an invisible axis, held in place by unseen bands of gravitation, the words of Job 26:7 take on unparalleled significance: 'He poised the earth on nothingness.'"
--Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

Whether you believe in a Creator or not, the order and the odds are just astounding.

saturday

2006-04-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

morning i went to starbucks on the way to westmont admitted students day.
i ordered my usual 'grande extra hot nonfat marble mocha machiado" (oh man im such a coffee brat haha)
and as i was waiting for my drink, unaware that anyone was paying attention to the big grin on my face, a man who was sitting next to the counter said hello to me. though i thought it so be a little bit weird, i of course being nice said hello back. he then said
"you look like a really happy person. (i smiled) you must really enjoy life, and the weekend"
i laughed as i thanked him for the compliment and told him i was on my way to westmont. then we chatted about how great of a school westmont is and how it was the only school i applied to because i knew it was where i was supposed to be. he was supprised at the chances i took by only applying to one school, but i told him i really wasnt worried about not getting accepted because it was out of my hands and someone else had control over it, and i knew it was where i was suposed to be. i wanted to talk to him more, but my drink came and i had to go, for i was running late. but i wonder if he understood what i meant?
regrets...i hate having regrets. there are so many times in my life that i wish i could jsut go back and change what i said or did.
but i cant.
but i do take encouragement in the fact that he noticed the joy i have.
so i guess i ahve to just realize that i need to be real with people, from the inside out. tell them the whole truth, explain my life as an open book, holding nothiong back, without fear of not being accepted.
this is life, its all we have.
smile.

honesty

2006-04-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

why do people lie?
or exaggerate, or "not tell the whole truth?
is it because of fear?

the thing i hate most about lying is that its fake.
i cannot stand it when people are fake.
its too easy to be fake, and hide who you truly are. but how do you expect to have true friends if you are not even true to yourself. i was watching the TV show House (i never watch tv, so this was a big thing for me) and one of the patients talked about why marriages fail. she said the real reason marriages fail is because while the couple is dating they pretend to be someone they are not and once they get married they stop pretending. and it turns out that you married a completely different person than you thought.
that really made me think. what a hypocrate i am. i say i hate it when other people are fake, yet i fail to realize that im just as guilty. how many times have i had a crush on someone, and been a COMPLETELY different person when i am around them, jsut to impress them. ive been so fake, and i didnt even realize it. i guess its a real struggle with me. not only in the opposite sex, buyt just relationships ingeneral. i want to be accepted. and i am. but i wonder if sometimes its for the wrong reasons. who actually genuinely knows me? do you?
i guess what im trying to say is that i want to be real. and honest.
"honesty is the best policy"

wana know something sad

2006-04-07T01:46:00.000-07:00

i am seriously depressed that i dont ahve a date for prom.
seriously.
i know its lame, but ive really let it get to me.
and its making me sad.
i have a dress but no date.

once again,
letting the little things get me down...

eeeh ok

2006-04-07T01:41:00.000-07:00

someone asked me how i was today, and i wasnt sure how to respond.
i wanted to say good, then i wanted to say bad, but im neither.
im just alive.
i have not had good days or bad days, they have just been days.
hmmm

spring break has been fabulous, but...
i dont do anything productive and that kinda gets to me.
i have skipped out on some times with friends that i wish i hadnt and im kinda sad about it.

maybe im just letting the little things get me down, and not appreciating the great things.
i just dont know.

i guess i should really just be thankful to be alive and breathing.
i really take so many things for granted...
ugg i hate it. why?

2006-04-07T01:38:00.000-07:00

got my nose pierced today.
yes yes yes. i know. "oh so trendy"
well anyway...

it made me feel older. and more responsible.
going to a tattoo and piercing place
(praise Jesus caitlin came with me, otherwise i would have freaked)
i cant really describe what im trying to say,
but...well...
nevermind..
i give up. i think i lost my train of thought.

i love the rain

2006-04-05T02:46:00.000-07:00

its amazing.
its beautiful.
its romantic.

cleanses.
washes away.
revives.
refreshes.

gives life.

hope

2006-04-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine recently told me a story about her love life.
and it gave me so much hope.

in a nutshell:
she has liked this one guy for years, completely infatuated by him, dreaming about him etc...
and they were just freinds, he was a few years older, and she NEVER thought that he would reciprocate the feelings.
but it turns out he has been in love with her for years as well! but had no idea she returned the feelings.
they are too young to b together now, but each one is waiting for the day when they can date and have a relationship more than a friendship.
there is so much more to this story..
and
basically, they told me their whole story, and i just fell in love with the beauty of it.

i was so full of hope after hearing about thier soty because they both told me, they could not wiat to see how my life will turn out and who i will marry one day. it just reminded me of how one day i will see what i ahve been prepared for my whole life. my heart has been protected and i have not ever dated anyone. its been my choice for the most part, but its neat to know that i ahve been protected and preserved for someone special, and i cant wait to see who that someone is...
so basically i am excited for my two friends...
and once again im realizing that we never know what the future holds. there is someone who knows it all, and has it all planned out, so we just have to wait and see as the story of our life turns page by page...

boys boys boys

2006-04-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

i feel so free.
for those of you who i am close to, you know that i ahve been comsumed with thinking about a certain special someone for the past few months. im not gona say his name, for fear he would read this, but he is an amazing guy.

so after spending 4 days away in texas, my mind was consumed with thinking about everything except him. while i honestly did not really read my bible at all, just read blue like jazz, i realized something. and i believe i had a heart change. i was looking at a pic of him yesterday and realized that he isnt the one for me. all my romantic feelings left me and i no longer had a 'crush' or whatever you may choose to call it.
granted, he is still an amazing guy, and the girl who gets him is a lucky one. but it was as if all of the sudden my feelings for him were gone and now all we have is a friendship. and for once it will be a friendship where me trying to hide my feelings for him will no longer be a factor. i can be honest and real with him because now were are just friends and i have no desire for there to be anything else.
i cannot tell you how free i feel. its amazing.
i normally dont just stop liking someone that fast, which is why i believe it is a miracle. and straight from Jesus.
i just had to let ya'll know what i have been learning and what has been going on in my life.
it is truly beautiful, and i am excited to see what will come of it.

i forgot to tell you

2006-04-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

i met Ashley Parker Angel and his beautiful fiance.
they are two amazing people.
who are honest, and not araid to be real.

texas

2006-04-03T03:03:00.000-07:00

uhmazing

this last weekend the Dos Pueblos jazz choir had to opportunity to go to a jazz festival in Addison, Texas. Out of many many choirs that auditioned, 5 got in, and performed for the judges on friday. then at the awards ceremony later in the day we found out that we won, which means we were selected to "play with the pros" that night on the big stage. (and oh my goodness!) it was an amazing experience! all the hard work has paid off!

but besides the success of our vocal talent ;)
i had one of the best weekends of my life.
(youre gona think this is funny...but)
i peed my pants because i was laughing so ahrd with my amazing friend hanna walker.
basically she is amazing and we just cant not have a good time when we are together.
(list of events for those of you who care:
-snuck into the concert
-got hit on by wierd college boys-eww thats a story
-quote from strange elevator boys
"so where are you two from"
-"umm california"
"OH!!! well in that case! my name is steven!" (haha yet another amazing story)
-colapsed in hallway laughing
-tried to convince this random boy that i was not drunk (he later knocked on our door at 2am in the morning to ask us to come party with him, we of course REFUSED, but laughed even harder realizeing that he REALLY thought we were drunk haha)
-hannas little ice dance in the halway haha
-almost set off the fire alarm in our bathroom
-broke the towel rack off the back of the door
-almost got caught spying on the druck people as the staggered out of the elevator
-this list could go on forever-so just call me or ask me if you want more details cuz it was the most amazing night of my life...)

so basically i had amazing roomates, and just had the tiem of my life.

I FOUND WALDO!
or should i say that waldo found pheobe! haha
we went to this amazing resturant, and we found waldo and superman, and the toothfairy, and cinderella and many ohters. we all laughed hysterically while we sat in the "library" after i "hit a few children with the schoolbus" haha

waldo is amazing!
and so is his MANPART!!! hahahahahahaahahahaha
let me just say that i am taking waldo to prom!
yes yes eys
waldo is my prom date...
(oh gosh that sounds bad to those of you who have our mind in the gutter about the 'manpart'. so i guess you will just have to ask me on that one too)
-just call me, cuz ive got some stories to tell

or

if its not too late for coffee
meet at your place in 10...

someone kinda answered my question

2006-03-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

so i asked who tells the heart to fall..
and a friend reminded me of the saying
"where your treasure is, there your heart is also"

made me think...

if youre treasure is on 'worldly' things, or things that are tempremental then you will fall for such things as well
if you value things that wont last, then you will fall for relationships that wont last
but if you truly value and treasue the things that are etenrnal, your heart will fall for such things as well
not only relationships, but even friendships, and just love in general
love is the greatest of them all
what do you love? what do you fall in love with so quickly, without hesitation?
who tells your heart to fall, and what does it fall for?

who tells the heart to fall?

2006-03-29T15:59:00.000-08:00

who?
you? me? who?
i fall in love so quickly.
but what makes me fall in love?
sometimes i feel like i have no control of who my heart falls for?
why is that?

2006-03-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

since sunday, i have had a few people tell me that they cannot imagine me crying for 45 minutes.
thats kinda funny. i come across as such a happy person, and for the most part i am. but i am a very emotional person...really i am. i guess i kinda wear my emotions on my sleeve, in a way...
but no matter what my emotions may be, or how my day may be going...
i have joy.
joy is so much deeper than happiness. happiness is momentary and tempremental, while joy is more eternal.
hmmm...
but sometimes i jsut need to cry. i konw there are certain studies that pove some stuff like how crying help you get the toxins out or something like that. i just like it. i dont nkow why..i just do...but i guess sometimes i just break. i get to the point where i realize that by myself i am nothing.
it sounds so "christian" to say this, but by myself i am nothing, but with Jesus i am who i really am.
really though, it sounds so cliche' but its where my identity lies.
i need Him.
i need a good cry.
and i need a time where i laugh so hard i pee my pants.

we all have this longing inside us for something more...
so what are we gona fill it with?
will it satisfy?
is it tempremental?
i dont know..you tell me...

love

2006-03-28T15:43:00.000-08:00

the haters. the jerks. the people out to get you
love
the whiners. the peopel that cheat you. the people who pretend to be your friend.
love
those who are purposely rude. those who purposely lie.
love
the hyprocritical. the greedy. the deceiving. the people who don't appreciate you.
love them.

and watch what happens

thanks for asking

2006-03-27T20:41:00.000-08:00

my walk on the beach was fantastic.
i just put on the listening, this allure, and the album leaf and walked for an hour and then sat down by the tidepools and just thought for an hour. it was amazing. jsut watching the waves and the tides. i didnt hear anything specific from the Lord or anything like that. but i was overwhelmed with peace.
i just surrendered my worries and my thoughts and i was suddenly calm and at rest.

i still wish that i could have gone shopping with hanna, and met up with my friend daley down there-cuz i had been looking forward to that for a while, but it just didnt work out.
i kinda had a meltdown last night. im still not sure exactly why, but i just cried in my room for over 45 minutes in complete darkness. it felt good, yet its strange, cuz i also felt so empty afterwards. as if i was desprate for someone to embrace me, i guess i just felt really lonley. which is strange, cuz i normally dont feel alone. but after my breakdown, i just knew that i want suposed to go down south, i needed to stay here. i cant even explain how i knew, i jsut did...

but thats why my walk today was so wonderful. cuz i just laid down all the stuff that had been on my heart and comsuming my mind, and it made me feel so free. like i no longer has to deal with it because it is in someone elses hands. its so easy to say as a christian that "oh ya the Lord's in copntrol of my life" but i realized that he really is not always in control of mine. i like to think He is, but im reminded when stuff that i plan doesnt work out that i have once again tried to do stuff on my own strength, and its ended up in ruins.

i guess i dont really know where im going with this blog.
i just feel like writing today. getting stuff off my cheast, and telling whomever reads this (even tho im pretty sure no one really reads it at all haha) that im not perfect, and i struggle with a lot of stuff, but somehow it all works out in the end. i learn some of my lessons the hard way, but i know i need to learn them sometime or another.
we jsut never know what a day has in store for us. i guess we should jsut expect the unexpected and see what happens and how we can be a part of it.

overwhelmed

2006-03-27T12:07:00.000-08:00

recently i have been so overwhelmed.
its not necessarily one thing in particular. but a combination of a million things.
-a rat chewing my internet cord for the 3rd time
-crazy schedules at work
-dates with friends not working out
-schoolwork
-my family being out of town-missing them
the list goes on and on

but i really just want to be able to stop.
stop worrying, stop thinking....i want to experience more in this life-yet i really dont even have time for all the things i have already comitted too...
but one thing i know i want for sure is this:
i want to have an actual real tangible relationsip with my savior...
but i keep letting other things get in the way and drag me down. then i dwell upon the fact that i have failed once again...oh gosh here i go again...

a friend of mine talked about how he jsut walked on the beach for a few hours listening to music, and whan an amazing experience it was.
here i live steps away from the beach yet i never go.
i keep saying that i want to get away from santa barbara.
but wwhat i really need to do is get away from myself. get away from my crazy schedule and jsut pause and listen.
selah.

just pause and think..be thankful, appreciative, and listen.
without speaking, just absorbing in everything around me...
listen to the waves, listen to the sound of beauty.
and im not trying to be all in touch with mother nature or anything...but i think i really just need to go somewhere besides my normal daily routine, and pause and listen.
so im gona to to the beach now.
its cloudy, but i bet its still beautiful...
ill let you know how it goes.

2006-03-26T00:28:00.000-08:00

i wish i had a greater desire to write.
i am so easily inspired by other peoples writing,
but i really wish that i wrote more...

selah

2006-03-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

its hebrew.
to me it means to:
reflect.
to take a minute and pause.
pause and think about what the Lord has done
take a minute and be thankful, realize what you have

i get so caught up in my busy life, that i hardly ever stop.
i have so much, and i am blessed beyond reason.
yet i forget, so easily...
selah

my 18th birthday party!

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

the boat!

the amazing sunset!
it was suposed to rain...but we were blessed with this instead!

chris and me

people...

me being silly on the front of the boat, and almost falling over!
check out my shoes!!

the upper deck

my dress

the beautiful sunset!

ya boys! haha

so cute!

fettuchini alfredo, garlic bread and salad for dinner!

jazz choir sang me a special version of happy birthday!
it was beautiful!

dancing time!
check out my hair!

so happy!

its not a party till you get the crowd surfing going!

saying goodbye

thank you to everyone who came! i had an amazing time
and i will never forget my 18th birthday!

what if we did?

2006-03-14T00:34:00.000-08:00

“Love those who hate you. Bless those who curse you.
Wave to those who flip you off.
Smile to those who scowl.
Defend those who have no defense.
Honor those who don’t honor you.
Don’t gossip.
Don’t judge.
As you were given mercy, give mercy to others. As you were given grace, give grace to others. As you were forgiven by God of your sins, forgive others of theirs towards you. Bless others. Love others. Love others. Love others.
Love is the only thing that matters.”
-Gabe

amazing people

2006-03-14T00:02:00.000-08:00

why is it that some people are so amazing?
there are some people in my life that i am just so blessed to know.
the way that they act, the way the love. its inspiring.

and writers
have you ever thought about it?
how amazing is it that some people can honestly pour out their hearts into words that are able to cause someone else to be able to enter into a picture of their emotions and begin to understand what the writer is trying to say. i am constantly inspired by how people are able to convey words that inspire.

i just love people. i love meeting new poeple, because i really have no idea what they may bring into my life.

and let me just say that i have some amazing guy friends. i am so blessed with boys that i can be real with, and they are real with me, and hold me accountable. its so good for me-and its such a blessing. and of course i see things in them that i want in a future husband, and i add those traits to "my list"
(sidenote-just ask almost any girl if she has a list what she want in her husband, and i bet she can pull it out for you. yes a real actual list)
while they may be amazing, i know that right now all i need is to be close with my Jesus, and love people.
be real.
and love.

blue like jazz

2006-03-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

its changing my life. page by page.

2006-03-13T23:31:00.000-08:00

cleaned my room tonight.
its an amazing feeling.
i feel like i really accomplished something, cuz its the 1st time its been clean in over 3 months!!
finally taking things into control.

tomorrow morning

2006-03-09T23:21:00.000-08:00

im going out to coffee with my best friend.
im excited.

how is it that coffee dates are so great?
i dont know what it is about them..but ya...they are

anyway. let go out to coffee sometime.
ya you and me.
and get to know eachother.
and listen to eachothers stories.
anyone?

no day but today

2006-03-09T22:35:00.000-08:00

today was a great day.
i cant pin point what was exactly so great about it....but it was just wonderful.
i can remember all the good things about today, anf not a single bad thing.
it seemed as if today was just full of simple blessings...everything from my firend telling me how much she loves me and how much i mean to her, to going almost 80 on the freeway without knowing there was a cop tailing me-and yet he didnt pull me over. and work was great today too. it was more mellow, and i was able to get to know one of my coworkers better-and evded up laughing really ahrd at one point for no apparent reason at all..haha
and it made me realize something. i realized that i dont stop to be thankful very often. at least not in a genuine way. i know its dumb and cliche to say "stop and smell the roses"
but who does? who actually stops everything they are doing and apprecaites the m0ment and enjoys it for what it is. tomorrow is promised to no one! so why not just live today as if ti was your last.
ok so im sounding cheezy and lame and dumb.....
but if we really did...
what it we actually were bold enough to do something that we would not do otherwise-jsut because we thought it was our last day.....
what if?
i wish i did this, but i dont. i dont live like this, and i dont actually live every day as if it were my last....but i kinda wish i did
its just that i have so much, and yet i forget how blessed i am.

ok im rambling.....which i am very good at....but i guess i challenge you..whomever you are who is reading this, i challenge you to actually live today. live it to the fullest. and see what happens?
will you accetpt?

my heart

2006-03-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

i need to guard my heart.
i fall in love too quickly.
i love to love.
i guess you could say im a "dedicated lover"and its hard for me
to NOT have a special someone who i am fond of....
but when i don't, those are some of the best times of my life..because i am not distracted..
i am focused. and i want to be focused again.
its hard.
i need your help, and accountability, cuz i cannot do it on my own...

2006-03-09T00:25:00.000-08:00

a friend of mine has really inspired me recently...
as i think about how different my life will be once i graduate, i wonder how i will change and who i want to become...
i am starting a new chapter in my life, and i want wonder who i am.
what defines me, what drives me, what is my passion, what do i want to become, and what do i want to see in this world? as i was on the plane yesterday traveling to new yrok i listening to U2 i did a lot of thinking....and after reading a friends blog on a the amazing U2 song "where the streets have no name" it made me wonder what is it thats holding us back from breaking down the walls that hold us back? what is keeping us from dreaming andd what is keeping us from making our dreams a reality...
and of course its easy to be the so called 'radical christian' and say 'its satan! satans the one whos keeping us back" ..but is it...or is it ourselves?...
i find it so easy to blame other things, or people, but i think the problem lies within...its is a deep thought, and i dont know if there is a true answer as to what it is thats holding us back?...but i believe that it IS possible to just go-to 'break down the walls' and see what happens...
to be the change you want to see in this world, and see if people will follow...(i feel like i am sounding so cliche)
its so easy to say that we will change and reach for our goals and dreams and tear down the walls that hold us back, but its hard to do. at least for me it is, its hard to have it constantly on my mind to be taking a chance and a step of faith into the unknown...because it defies our normal human nature of thinking of ourselves first. but when we shift our perspective to others, and develop a desire to serve them and make a difference i believe it will be beautiful. but its not easy. and for me, i have to constantly submit my will and my way unto the Lord, and ask for His to become mine because i am such a selfish person, and i like to think that "its all about me"..when i know its about others, its about living this life that we have been blessed with and loving people...to remember that "we were meant to live for so much more" and to actually and honestly take the steps toward living, toward loving and toward defying the odds and makeing a difference-not that we would make a name for ourselves, but that we would love as Jesus loves and step out of the lines defined by the world and by the church and see what happens. see what we are able to do when we leave the "typicalness" and security behind...

but i know that i cannot do something about it by simply sitting here at my laptop inside my hotel romm in new york-i need to go out and tear down the walls cross over ths lines and become the change i want to see in the world. and i need to love...so here i go...

...

2006-03-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

i would like to meet people who are not afraid to be real...

doing some thinking

2006-03-07T22:28:00.000-08:00

lately i have been doing a lot of thinking.
asking myself..
who am i?
what am i living ofr?
what are my passions?
what dreams do i really want to come true?
what do i actually want to be when i grow up?
i would love to be a photojournalist..or well maybe even...
persue singing in some way, but i really have no idea.
i just know im going to westomont college next year-and i am excited to see what the Lord does in my life both now and then...
i am ready for it. i dont know what He want to do, or what He plans to teach me, but i am ready to learn...

so ya...i guess here on this site i will attempt pour out my thoughts, my dreams, my asperations, my goals, my fears and hopes, my heart and my life.
i hope you enjoy....
and welcome...
welcome to my world